Trevor Mazzucchelli, Associate Professor of Clinical Psychology, Curtin University
Sometimes it can be hard for parents to agree on how to raise children.
One parent might insist their child’s homework has to be finished before they’re allowed to use devices. The other may think a bit of screen time before study is perfectly reasonable. Rules and consequences might be the preferred strategy of one parent while the other favors a more flexible approach.
Parents may also differ in how much independence they’re comfortable giving their children. Is it OK for a child to play on their own at the park without an adult nearby, or should they always be supervised?
Parents bring different personalities, experiences and beliefs to raising children, so it’s hardly surprising these disagreements arise.
But what can parents do when they’re not on the same page?
Psychologists traditionally describe four broad parenting styles:
Authoritative parents are warm and supportive while setting clear expectations and boundaries. They listen to their children, explain rules, and encourage independence.
Authoritarian parents place greater emphasis on obedience and discipline, often expecting children to follow rules without questioning them.
Permissive parents are warm and accepting, but tend to set fewer limits or expectations.
Uninvolved parents provide relatively little emotional support, guidance or supervision.
Research generally finds authoritative parenting is associated with better outcomes for children, including fewer emotional and behavioral difficulties.
But these categories are only a guide. Most parents don’t fit neatly into one style. For example, a parent might be strict about bedtime, but relaxed about household chores.
Research suggests that differences in how parents approach raising children aren’t necessarily associated with behavioral or emotional difficulties in children.
Different approaches can also have advantages. One parent might be more playful and spontaneous, while another provides greater structure and routine. Both can contribute positively to children’s development.
What may matter more is how parents manage their differences. Disagreements aren’t necessarily a problem if parents handle them constructively. When children see adults listen respectfully, compromise and resolve differences, they can learn useful ways of managing disagreements themselves.
Problems can arise when parents disagree on important rules (such as, no screens before bed) or they respond very differently to a child’s challenging behavior.
For example, when a child refuses to turn off the television, one parent might insist on following through with a consequence, while the other allows more screen time to avoid an argument.
When parents respond inconsistently, children may find it harder to understand what’s expected of them. They may also learn that behavior which doesn’t work with one parent is more likely to succeed with the other.
Signs that disagreements about parenting have become a problem include:
frequent or ongoing conflict between parents over parenting decisions
parents undermining each other
children feeling caught in the middle or becoming distressed by their parents’ disagreement
increasing behavioral difficulties in the child.
Research has linked these problematic patterns of co-parenting with greater emotional and behavioral difficulties in children and adolescents.
So what are some ways parents can manage differences?
Rather than arguing about who’s right, parents can start by discussing what they want their child to learn.
For example, instead of debating punishments for a child when they refuse to turn off the television, parents could agree they want their child to learn how to follow instructions better.
When parents respond to their child’s behavior in reasonably predictable ways, children learn what’s expected of them. Giving clear instructions, praising desirable behavior, and following through calmly with reasonable limits are good starting points.
For example, if parents disagree about screen time, they could start by agreeing on the goal of helping their child develop healthy screen habits. They might then agree on a reasonable daily limit and how they’ll respond when it’s time to turn devices off.
Parents should avoid criticizing or undermining each other in front of their children. This can leave children feeling pressured to take sides or unsure about what’s expected of them.
Instead, they should find a calm moment to explain their concerns to each other, listen to the other person’s perspectives and work towards a solution.
Evidence-based parenting programs can help parents learn effective strategies for encouraging positive behaviour and managing challenging situations.
Participating together can also help parents develop a shared approach, although families can still benefit when only one parent participates.
Parenting isn’t a set-and-forget exercise. As children grow, they develop new abilities and need increasing independence. This means parents need to adjust their expectations, rules and strategies.
Regular conversations about what’s working, what isn’t and what needs to change can help parents maintain a consistent, positive approach.
If disagreements continue to cause significant conflict, or children’s difficulties persist, consider seeking additional support from a parenting practitioner or psychologist.
However, working together doesn’t mean compromising on children’s safety or accepting harmful parenting practices. If you’re concerned about a child’s safety, seek advice from an appropriate health professional or specialist support service.
Ultimately, good parenting doesn’t require parents to do everything identically, or even perfectly. What matters is using effective strategies, working together where possible and adapting as children grow.
This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.
(TheConversation/APC)
