Is your household buzzing with back-to-school jitters? A bit of anxiety as kids head back to the routines of the school year is common and normal at any age—even if your child loves school.
Families have likely had a wide variety of experiences this past summer, explain Alexis Yetwin, PhD, and Olivia Hsin, PhD, clinical psychologists in the Behavioral Health Institute at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles. Some families may have spent the summer managing many external stressors, while others may simply be adjusting to earlier bedtimes and more structure in their days.
“Now we’re expected to go back into a very regimented, often intense schedule,” adds Dr. Yetwin, who is also a parent of two school-aged kids. “That often affects other aspects of their lives, like sleep and diet, too. The transition doesn’t just happen overnight.”
Reminder: Each family’s approach to this time of year will be unique. “Find what works for you,” says Dr. Yetwin. “It’s okay to pick and choose which approaches are the priority."
Back-to-school anxiety can manifest in several ways:
Wanting to stay physically connected or close to a parent or caregiver
Heightened emotionality and irritability
Changes in sleep
More bathroom accidents for little kids
Increased headaches or stomach aches
Often, back-to-school anxiety stems from the many unknowns ahead for your child. Dr. Yetwin encourages parents to talk through these unknowns: “When kids are anxious, they want to feel prepared and in control,” she says.
Examples of ways to help your child feel prepared:
Plan a “test run” if your child is entering a new school. This could be practicing the drive to school, looking at a map of the school online, and even practical skills like using a lunchbox or a padlock on a locker for the first time.
Organize a playdate with a few of your child’s classmates so they can get acquainted or reacquainted and practice socializing outside of school.
Get on “school schedule” ahead of time. Help your child adjust to earlier bedtimes and wakeup times by gradually shifting their schedule over the span of a couple of weeks before the first day of school.
Involve your child in prep work like back-to-school shopping and making lunches.
Encourage your child to plan their first-day-of school outfit, and what pose they want to do for their first day photo.
Review your family’s safety plan, including important contact information, together.
Dr. Yetwin encourages parents to make space for big emotions or fears that might seem irrational to adults.
“As parents, it’s easy for us to brush it off when our kid says something like, ‘Mom, what if I get the worst teacher ever?’ But dismissing their fear isn’t going to help your child feel better,” she says.
“You can help them feel heard and validated by really listening to their concerns instead of just telling them everything will be okay.”
Dr. Hsin adds that helping children find something neutral or positive to look forward to can ease anxiety as well. In addition to validating their feelings, you may want to brainstorm together what's coming up that they’re looking forward to.
“For example, for a child who likes to run around and play, perhaps wonder aloud about what they’ll get to play during recess. If the school is new to them and you don’t have much information yet, find something to celebrate at the end of the first day of school or end of the first week, like a family dance party, a special treat, or favorite game."
Some children may need prompting to name their feelings. Dr. Yetwin recommends adding regular check-ins—like at the dinner table—as part of your school routine.
Broad, open-ended questions like “How was school?” can often lead to one-word answers. Instead, Dr. Yetwin encourages parents to add more structure to these conversations.
“We’ve played the Rose, Bud, and Thorn game at our house, but recently, my kids have latched on to Two Truths and a Lie. They’re so focused on the game aspect of the conversation that I often end up hearing way more than two things that happened at school that day,” she says.
For children who may not be as comfortable expressing their feelings, Dr. Yetwin recommends redirecting their focus to others.
“Instead of asking how they're feeling about school, try asking something like, ‘How’s your friend Josie feeling about it? Do you think she's nervous about starting middle school?’ Taking the focus off the kid can really help.” Dr. Yetwin notes that this approach can also be applied in a play setting for young children using dolls or toys.
When possible, help your child feel a sense of agency around school-year routines by involving them in planning—and modeling the behavior you want to see.
A few ways to involve your kids in building school-year routines:
Host a weekly family meeting on Sunday nights to set expectations and review your schedule.
Set family screen time limits that you and your children follow.
Set expectations with a family chore and homework calendar.
Set aside time for play—whether that’s sports, time with friends, or family time.
“Once the school year starts, it can be really hard to change things up,” says Dr. Yetwin. “The more norms and routines you can establish ahead of time, the better.”
“Setting goals can also provide some distraction from anxiety,” says Dr. Hsin. “For younger children, it could be something like learning to play kickball, to learn how to read, or finding another child who likes the same things they like. For an older child, it may be something like joining a club, sports team, or writing a poem or short story.”
“Each school has a different culture,” says Dr. Hsin. “Some parents find each other via Facebook local parent groups. At other schools, parents may talk with each other in line at drop off or pickup. At other places, a parent might send their child with a post-it note asking for a playdate with the parent’s contact information that the child can give to another child.
While temporary back-to-school anxiety is common, chronic signs of anxiety, like consistent refusal to go to school, stomach aches, and headaches can indicate something deeper. Especially if these signs are atypical for your child, it’s important to investigate further, as they could indicate bullying at school or an undiagnosed anxiety disorder or learning disorder.
“If you’re worried this may be chronic anxiety or tied to a specific problem at school, try to gather more information about your child’s day,” says Dr. Yetwin. “Checking in with their teachers, counselors, or after-school programs can help give you a fuller picture.”
If you’re concerned your child is experiencing chronic stress, reach out to your pediatrician, who may connect you with a behavioral health professional.
General first-day-of school books for younger kids:
Pete the Kitty’s First Day of Preschool, by Kimberly Dean and James Dean
Lola Goes to School, by Anna McQuinn
I Am Too Absolutely Small for School, by Laura Child
The Pigeon HAS to Go to School, by Mo Willems
For separation anxiety:
The Kissing Hand, by Audrey Penn
The Invisible String, by Patricia Karst
Llama llama Misses Momma, by Anna Dewdney
I Love You All Day Long, by Francesca Rusackas
For younger siblings having feelings about their older sibling leaving:
Harry at Home, by Megan Maynor
(Newswise/VK)