A new dating trend called “monkey-barring” is drawing attention among Gen Z. The term refers to quickly forming a new romantic connection before fully ending an existing relationship. While not widely considered cheating, the practice raises questions about emotional honesty and relationship boundaries.
The dating scenario with regards to Gen-Z has only gotten more and more complicated with every passing day. This generation has only learnt to take something as precious as love and left it to be nothing but a trend that changes with every passing week.
At first glance, the phrase sounds playful — like something from a children’s playground. And that’s exactly why it sticks. Monkey bars are the horizontal ladders you grip and swing across, only letting go of one bar when you’re sure of the next. In dating, “monkey barring” borrows this image: a person keeps a firm grasp on their current partner or situationship while already reaching out to someone new.
If you’ve been on the apps lately, you’ve probably felt like you need a dictionary just to keep up. Take breadcrumbing — that’s when someone keeps popping up with little texts or likes, just enough to keep you wondering, but never enough to build anything real . Or benching, where you’re not quite “the one” but you’re kept warm on the sidelines while they see who else is out there. Then there are situationships, those almost-relationships that feel like dating but never get a name. And orbiting — when someone ghosts you but still lurks around your stories and posts like a satellite. These words may sound playful, but they’ve stuck because they give us a way to name those strange, sometimes painful, in-between spaces of modern dating.
A study by Marshall, Bejanyan, and Ferenczi (2013) gives us strong psychological insight into why certain people seem to swing from one relationship or emotional hookup to the next—and how that actually ties into attachment styles. In two large samples (411 and 465 people), they found that those with anxious attachment tend to experience much higher distress after breakups. This distress isn’t just painful—it can act as a trigger for rumination (both brooding and reflective thinking) and a higher tendency to rebound quickly into new relationships.
These processes, in turn, are associated with personal growth: people report becoming more independent, aware of their emotional patterns, and able to articulate what they want (or don’t want). On the other hand, individuals with an avoidant style show lower levels of distress, often suppressing their feelings—and this blunting of emotions seems to reduce opportunities both for rumination/reflection and for growth. In short: the discomfort of breakups doesn’t just hurt—it can push some people to do the emotional work that leads to growth, while for others avoidance dampens that possibility.
This helps explain why behaviours like monkey barring or breadcrumbing are so common in the dating world today — they’re not just trends, but patterns rooted in attachment and how we cope with breakups.
It’s easy to normalise your own toxic behaviour, we tend to look out for red flags in other people before we ever introspect our own self.
Monkey barring isn’t always obvious — it often feels like “normal” dating behaviour until you step back. Here are some signs to watch for:
You can’t fully let go of your ex
Even if you’ve broken up, you check their social media, reminisce constantly, or mentally compare anyone new to them. The emotional leash is still there.
You start seeing someone new immediately
You’re already emotionally investing in a new person before your previous relationship has truly ended. It feels like a safety net, rather than genuine attraction.
You justify keeping multiple options open
You might tell yourself it’s “just talking” or “just dating,” but deep down, it’s about avoiding being alone or uncertain.
You feel anxious at the thought of being single
The fear of emptiness or loneliness drives you to seek connection quickly, even if you’re not ready.
You use new connections to distract yourself from old feelings
Instead of processing heartbreak or reflecting on what you want, you dive into texts, DMs, or casual flings to fill the emotional gap.
You notice a pattern
If this isn’t a one-time thing, and you repeatedly swing from one relationship to the next, it’s a strong indicator of monkey barring behaviour.
A 2009 study by Spielmann, MacDonald, and Wilson offers valuable insight into why behaviours like monkey barring are so common among anxiously attached individuals. The researchers found that after a breakup, people with anxious attachment often experience intense emotional distress, making it difficult to let go of their ex-partners.
The study found that if they start focusing on someone new, or even just believe they could, their grip on the past loosens. In real life, this looks a lot like monkey barring: swinging emotionally toward someone new while still holding on to the old. It’s not about being manipulative — it’s a way the anxious mind copes with heartbreak, fear of being alone, and the messy, vulnerable space between relationships. Recognizing this makes the behaviour less of a “bad habit” and more of a human strategy for navigating love and loss.
So the next time you’re coming out of a relationship or reaching out to someone else before fully recovering from your last relationship, pause breathe and ask yourself “Am I look for a new partner because I want to date?” Or “Am I just afraid to be alone even for a new while?”
(Rh/ARC/MSM)