Divorce is often portrayed as bitter, contentious, and full of conflict. But for some couples, it can be remarkably different, they can be amicable, cooperative, and even supportive. A recent online discussion from an America-based physician group brought together parents who have navigated amicable divorces and successful co-parenting arrangements.
The original query was raised by a physician in outpatient primary care, who shared:
"Has anyone had a really amiable divorce and now coparent really well? Been married 17 years with 2 kids - 14 and 11. We are both in counseling individual and marriage but really just fell out of love as we grew older. It looks like we are heading for separation and divorce. I think we both deeply care for one another but the spark and sexual chemistry has died. Neither of us is happy in this relationship anymore. There is no infidelity, addiction or abuse. I do think he has depression for a few years but am realizing that 'I can’t fix him.' We make roughly the same salary (although mine is slightly higher). He is not medical, but his schedule is demanding. I am outpatient primary care with regular hours. If you had a not horrible (it’s never good) divorce, coparent well and even still remain friends, please give me your tips and stories. Most of my friends who divorced have horrible stories filled with infidelity, addiction, abuse and/or greed. I need hope that everything will be okay."
Several respondents encouraged the couple to reconsider, suggesting that the absence of serious problems might be reason enough to work on the marriage. One therapist friend offered a thought-provoking perspective:
"I have a therapist friend who said at some level he doesn’t understand amicable divorces. By their nature divorces aren’t amicable. If you can have an amicable divorce it means there may be some way to have an amicable marriage and that may be worth preserving when young children are involved."
Another physician agreed, writing:
"I don't understand the importance of a spark or chemistry and personally couldn't put my kids through a divorce for that."
One physician also suggested her to reconsider. They wrote:
"If there is no infidelity, drug addiction, abuse etc as you yourself say, reconsider Divorce. Many marriages go through this phase and it is surmountable with patience, empathy and maturity. It needs altering goals and expectations of the marriage which has to evolve into something more beautiful than just sex and a misguided definition of 'Love'. Regroup. Rethink. Bring back simpler values of life. Does not matter what the popular opinion is but divorce is devastating for the kids irrespective of age."
One father shared what he jokingly called his unicorn divorce:
"I always joke that me and my ex had the unicorn of all divorces. We were only married for 7 years so less time overall than you but we had a very amicable divorce. We didn’t argue over custody (split 50-50) of our daughter nor how we split the assets. We have been divorced for 9 years now and still get along very well. She is re-married and I am not. I get along well with her new husband. We co-parent well and even have keys to each others houses in case our daughter needs something from the other one. We mostly talk about things centered around our daughter but still have friendly conversations. I will even ask her dating advice (she did same when she was dating). We got divorced for similar reasons you listed."
His advice is really clear:
"We got divorced before we hated each other. We both have pretty easy going moderate temperaments as well which helps. Also we were friends before and had that foundation to fall back on. Also being patient. Didn't start out that great but slowly built that relationship back up with mutual respect and time."
One physician recommended joining a divorce care group:
"I recommend joining a Divorce Care support group. It is Christian based but the course information is helpful universally even if you’re not Christian. Do lots of self care. And decide that you’re building your best life and you will."
Another physician shared insights from a guide her former spouse had read:
"Thanks for sharing this... my (former) spouse and I have been consciously uncoupled for a year now and have a healthy co-parenting relationship. We are still legally married and things have been working pretty well for us in this new dynamic. He has read that book and shared some of the principals with me."
She also shared her personal tips:
"My ex and I co-parent amicably." Tips that she shared:
Put the well-being of the children first.
Never speak badly of the ex in front of the kids.
Focus on yourself, peace and joy in your own home and your own relationship with your children. Don’t worry about what he’s doing unless it’s destructive or dangerous to the kids.
Be generous with the money. Don’t bicker over small stuff. Kids grow up way too fast and money is replaceable.
Be kind and patient. It’s OK and good to have boundaries and stand up for yourself, but always strive kindness and patience.
While the discussion revealed differing opinions on whether amicable divorce should be pursued when no major problems exist. It was certainly clear that amicable divorces are possible though they may require maturity and communication.
As one physician simply stated:
"Yes, there are many such couples. I am one of them. Very amicable divorce and we co-parent really well. We still care for each other and are like friends and of course no sexual chemistry anymore. We help each other out as much as we can."
