Why do some people keep choosing the same kind of partner even when those relationships end in heartbreak? According to Nikita Singh, a Counseling Psychologist, Performance and Wellness Coach, and Relationship Coach, the answer often lies in our attachment style in relationships, which influences how we love, connect, and handle intimacy. Many people unknowingly repeat familiar emotional patterns, often mistaking chaos for chemistry. This explains why people repeat relationship mistakes despite wanting something healthier.
Nikita Singh explains that healing from attachment wounds begins with awareness. When individuals learn to understand their emotional triggers and rebuild trust within themselves, they can create secure, balanced, and fulfilling relationships that align with their true emotional needs. 1
Nikita explains, “We replicate what we saw at home. Different attachment styles emerge from our upbringing. If parents did not acknowledge your emotions, you might grow up anxious or avoidant.”
She adds:
Nikita emphasizes, “Unhealthy patterns become familiar. We mistake familiarity for safety. If someone shows inconsistency, we perceive it as normal because we saw it at home.”
Nikita suggests:
Identify Your Relationship Patterns – “First, identify patterns in your last three or four relationships,” Singh advises.
Recognize Your Emotional Triggers – “Become aware of what you emotionally attract.”
Practice Self-Awareness Daily – “Awareness alone doesn’t change anything.”
Retrain Your Nervous System – “You must practice and retrain your nervous system to tolerate calm and consistency.”
“If your parents did not really acknowledge your emotions, or if you were a boy asked to always overperform and be the best,” that child grows up believing that achievement is safer than vulnerability, Nikita explains.
This can show up as emotional distance or discomfort with intimacy in adult relationships.
Children who grow up around conflict or emotional neglect, “like when you’ve seen a broken marriage at home,” may develop both anxious and avoidant tendencies. They crave closeness but fear it at the same time.
"The love we learn as children, even when it feels unstable or distant, becomes the pattern we repeat as adults. Healing those early experiences begins with understanding that familiarity does not always mean safety."
Anxious attachment is a common relationship style that develops from childhood emotional neglect or inconsistent caregiving, leaving individuals to crave closeness while fearing rejection or abandonment.
Adults with this attachment style often seek constant relationship reassurance, overanalyze their partner’s behavior, and struggle with personal boundaries. 1 2
Avoidant attachment is a relationship style marked by discomfort with emotional closeness and a strong need for independence. It often develops from childhood emotional neglect or discouragement from expressing feelings.
Adults with avoidant attachment may withdraw from intimacy, rely heavily on themselves for support, and struggle to trust others.1 3
Nikita explains that fear of missing out in dating drives many decisions in the digital age. “No matter how much we are connected through social media and dating apps, we are becoming more lonely as a generation,” she says.
Singh highlights that constantly seeing friends or peers in relationships creates a sense of relationship FOMO, prompting people to rush into dating.
“Even in India, a collectivistic society, when you see everyone around you with a partner, you start questioning, am I doing something wrong? Do I need someone to fulfill my needs?”
She adds that this pressure often leads individuals to focus on superficial traits rather than essential qualities like kindness, communication, and consistency.
Understanding how FOMO affects modern dating choices can help people make conscious decisions and avoid settling for the wrong partner.4
Nikita emphasizes that slowing down, reflecting on past relationship patterns, and prioritizing emotional compatibility helps break cycles of stress and dissatisfaction.
When you approach dating with self-awareness and intentionality, you not only protect your emotional well-being but also increase the chances of forming lasting, fulfilling connections.
1. Sun, L., Canevello, A., Lewis, M., Li, J., & Crocker, J. (2021). "Childhood Emotional Maltreatment and Romantic Relationships: The Role of Compassionate Goals." Frontiers in Psychology, 12, Article 723126. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.723126.
2. Mathys, Kendra. "What Is Anxious Attachment Style — and Do You Have It?" Cleveland Clinic, December 27, 2024. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/anxious-attachment-style.
3. Mathys, Kendra. "What Is an Avoidant Attachment Style?" Cleveland Clinic, December 13, 2024. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/avoidant-attachment-style.
4. Gupta, Mayank, and Aditya Sharma. "Fear of Missing Out: A Brief Overview of Origin, Theoretical Underpinnings, and Relationship with Mental Health." World Journal of Clinical Cases 9, no. 19 (July 6, 2021): 4881–4889. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8283615/
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